Mensa AU Fic Exchange: "To Keep This Job, I Must Be Nuts" for <user site="livejournal.com" user="par

[trobadora]

Title: To Keep This Job, I Must Be Nuts
Author: audreyscastle
Pairing/Character(s): MENSA-Lorne. References to a past het pairing, but no actual pairing as such for the fic. At least in my opinion—YMMV.
Setting: MENSA-verse
Rating: PG-13 to be safe
Warnings: none in particular. Death is mentioned, but all canon characters are safe. Spoilers only for Season 1.
Summary: His first year in Atlantis, Evan Lorne writes a series of letters he knows will never be read. The following are selections from them.
Notes: Using the fact that a president was recently inaugurated, a few months before the Atlantis expedition embarked (Season 7 of SG-1), I've always placed the expedition as leaving in April of 2005. Fortunately, this being an AU, I don't have to argue with anyone who doesn't agree with my timing, LOL. :-D
Recipient: paradise_city

——

April 13, 2005

Dear Maddie,

I've got to admit, I don't know why I'm writing this letter to you, really, except that I've never been much for journaling and this stuff is supposed to be super top secret. I know, I told you that for most of my career, when you would ask what I was doing at work, where I was packing up to go next, but this stuff—seriously, you practically need more security clearance than God to even get near the non-disclosure agreement. It's incredible, though, and I had to share it somehow. Who are you gonna tell, huh? Even if I weren't about to head out on a potentially one-way trip—not a lot of post offices in the Pegasus Galaxy, I hear—you're probably watching all of this anyway and rolling your eyes in that way you always used to. At least now you know where I am and what I'm up to, right?

I don't know if I'd be taking this assignment if you were still here. Sure, it's the opportunity of a lifetime—a geeky flyboy like me, who happens to have a random yet very important gene, imagine that. I don't imagine they were beating down the doors looking for military geologists who happened to know how to fly until I tested positive for that Ancient gene. It's still a lot to consider, though. We're trying to be optimistic with this talk of it being "potentially" one-way, but most of us know it's more like "probably," and a few, like Dr. Sheppard, have made no secret of the fact that the odds suggest a term like "definitely" might be more appropriate. Since the accident, I don't really have much in the way of family left on this side of the Stargate. Sure, my nephews are adorable, but nephews I rarely see because of a sister I don't get along with—that's really all I've got. I'd fight for them in a heartbeat, but I don't know if they're enough to make me pass on what could be the most incredible experience of my life. You would've been, but we both know what happened there.

It doesn't hurt that I'm heading out on this trip with, quite literally, some of the most brilliant minds on the planet. Too valuable to fire, yet too much trouble to keep, the joke has become. I'd like to think I fall into the "too valuable" side of that category, but I definitely suspect I'm in the "too much trouble." Even with my gene, Colonel Emerson seemed just a little too eager to recommend me for this mission. Sure, I don't always do things by the book, but it gets the job done, right? Isn't that what's kept the Stargate program running for as long as it has, ingenuity? At least I might fit in a little better among this crowd. It's an honor to work with people like Doctors Sheppard and McKay, to even be considered in remotely the same league as them. Sheppard seems a little prickly, but he may warm up once we get to know him. McKay seems pretty cool, though. He's already got everyone on the expedition calling him Rod.

Well, might as well wrap this up. Not much else to say for now—we leave Saturday. Then, I'll probably have a hell of a lot more to tell you. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous, but I'm excited as hell about this, too. Even if we don't find living, breathing Ancients on the other side of that gate, I've got a suspicion that what we do find's gonna be pretty incredible.

Talk to you later—well, write, or...oh, you know what I mean.

Love, Evan

April 19, 2005

Dear Maddie,

Wow, so much has happened, I hardly know where to begin. It's been one freak-out after another, but we survived, and that's really the important part. This city is incredible! No Ancients, at least not so far, but after ten thousand years, I don't think any of us were particularly surprised. Especially not Dr. Sheppard. I think Rod's a bit disappointed, but he hasn't entirely given up hope we'll find them yet. Hey, I'm all for keeping the faith. Me, it was more the chance to learn to work all the cool tech and study the eco-structures of another galaxy that got me here. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about running into a race of super-advanced glowing jellyfish, but that might be the cynicism of five years at the SGC talking. The Ancients didn't seem to be good for much, what with their non-interference policies and all—but, damn, they had some cool toys. Especially the gate-ships. There's a bit of a name war going on for the damned things right now, but I'm sure that'll all be smoothed out eventually. I don't care what we call them; flying those things is just freakin' awesome.

Turns out the legends of Atlantis are a lot truer than I thought. A lost city that sank to the bottom of the ocean, only to rise again when the time was right. Either the time was right or we're just that cool, cause Atlantis was totally submerged when we came in. The shields were failing, too, and it looked like our one-way trip really was gonna be one-way. But then, boom, we're rising to the ocean's surface, and it's really quite lovely up here. Miles and miles of nothing but ocean, at least as far as we can see. This city's the size of Manhattan, at least, and even with Colonel Sumner splitting us up into teams and exploring as we're able, it's gonna be a long time before we discover everything Atlantis has for us to get our hands on.

And, in true SGC fashion, we managed to make both friends and enemies our first day out. Our new friends, a race of people called the Athosians, seem really nice, despite the fact that we might have kind of accidentally caused our new enemies, the Wraith, to burn their planet to the ground. Their leader, Teyla, is a bit hard to talk to, but she's also, you know, from another galaxy. She's on our side, though, which is always important, cause that woman can kick some serious ass. As for the Wraith, I don't think I can say much more about them than two words: space vampires. I'm not sure if I prefer life-sucking vampires to mind-controlling snakes just yet. What is it with this universe?

At least we managed to save Colonel Sumner. For as put-out as Dr. Sheppard was about being left behind on the very first exploratory mission in Pegasus, I'm glad I didn't have a MENSA geek to worry about keeping safe. (Did I mention he's in MENSA? Cause he does. A lot.) I know, I shouldn't talk about geeks, being one myself, but I've got military training in the saving of geek ass. Sheppard, not so much, and even Colonel "The Military is My Life" Sumner managed to get caught by the Wraith. Thank God we managed to take out the Wraith queen who had him before she started to feed. I still don't know how we did it—pure dumb luck, I guess. Good thing, too, cause Sumner told me afterwards, if the bitch had gotten him, he would've wanted us to kill him before she could torture him for information. I don't know if I'd want to live with something like that.

Anyhow, got to go—it's busy, busy around here, exploring, and I promised I'd give Dr. Beckett another blood sample for his attempts to artificially create the Ancient gene in non-carriers. Guess it's not just space vampires I have to deal with around here....

Love, Evan

June 23, 2005

Dear Maddie,

I know it's been awhile—busy, as usual. I just got back with my mandatory appointment with the mission psychologist, though. Don't worry, Dr. Heightmeyer is making all of us come see her for a baseline evaluation, and it doesn't bother me any. I've got nothing to hide, and they made me see enough shrinks after the accident. Speaking of which, she brought that up, and you'd be proud of me. I managed not to snap at her that I didn't want to talk about it, despite the fact that I never do. I even agreed with her that there's obviously a reason I survived with barely a scratch, cause, hey, lots of work to do in Pegasus. She even got me to admit to the letters—woman's good. She thinks it's sweet, by the way. I guess I should be grateful for that. I'm not sure how a lot of other people would react knowing that in lieu of a journal, I've been writing letters to my dead wife. I do miss you, all the time, but I know you would've wanted me to move on, and I hope I'm making you proud.

That uncomfortable emotional stuff out of the way—hey, this is me we're talking about—I thought I'd bring you up to speed with what's been going on here lately.

*I've decided the Wraith are worse than the Goa'uld. At least the Tok'ra know how to get a Goa'uld out of you.
*Dr. Sheppard is a member of MENSA. Really.
*Rod is a great guy, but is it just my cynicism showing when I start to wonder if he's too nice? Like he's trying to make up for something, or hide it? But, then, maybe it's because I'm usually dealing with Dr. MENSA.
*Colonel Sumner has named me his second in command, as far as the military wing of this expedition goes. It's pretty cool, but he also felt the need to mention he gave me the position because, and I quote, "You're the least likely to drive me to drink, Lorne." I'm not sure if I should be touched or insulted.
*If dealing with Dr. Sheppard doesn't drive Dr. Weir to drink, she's an even stronger woman than I thought.
*Dr. Sheppard is founding a MENSA branch here on Atlantis. Surprisingly, I haven't been invited to join. Just because I never took the test doesn't mean I couldn't pass it. At least that's what I told him the last time he scoffed at me about "military intelligence" being an oxymoron.
*I'm exercising extreme self-restraint in not making any cracks regarding the "moron" part of oxymoron, by the way. Just thought you ought to know.
*I'm beginning to wonder if Dr. Zelenka is the only remotely sane senior member of the science department. Rumor has it he's building a still, and despite the stereotypes involving Eastern Europeans and alcohol, I'd have been more shocked if he didn't. Look what the man has to put up with.
*If the Wraith have an archenemy that's on par with the whole Tok'ra resistance back in Milky Way, this would be a good time for us to meet them. Have I mentioned Atlantis has no shield? Too much power for our naquadah generators. For that, we need a ZPM, which is the holy grail of power here in Pegasus, or at least Atlantis. As is our luck, they appear to be exceedingly rare and well-hidden. It just figures.

Don't let my bitching fool you, though. I'm really glad I came. Every day, it's some new incredible discovery or another. I'm going to be putting together a team soon, my own team, rather than "Lorne, you take these guys and go check out this planet." My own team, with regular mission schedules. Ford's probably a given, since he's got strong gate experience in both galaxies. I still have two more slots, though, and as much as I'd like Teyla to join me, I have to try to figure out how to talk to her without accidentally insulting her or making some cultural faux pas. And then there's the resident geek role. Decisions, decisions. Too bad Zelenka would have to be pried out of Atlantis with a crowbar. Of the lot, he's the least likely to drive me out of my mind.

Love, Evan

July 16, 2005

Dear Maddie,

Considering finding a crowbar with which to pry Zelenka out of Atlantis.

Love, Evan

August 6, 2005

Dear Maddie,

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm almost starting to get used to Sheppard. On Atlantis, Rod's finally figured out how to keep him on a least without "stifling his brilliance," as Dr. MENSA himself puts it. Rod, as much as his constant niceness still creeps me out, has taught me the secret of leashing Sheppard. You can't let him realize you're actually doing it. Let him think it's his idea and his ego is properly soothed. Besides, the off-world experience will be good for him, I think—he needs to occasionally get in over his head, where he can't solve everything by flaunting his superior intelligence.

Ford's young, and I still think he could stand a bit more moderation, but he's good. I think we were all like that, starting out. Teyla, fortunately, has loosened up a bit now that I've gotten to know her, and we're starting to feel each other out.

Out, not up. No need for jealousy just yet, Maddie. :-D Seriously, though, it's great having a native guide on hand to warn us about bizarre rituals we might be expected to participate in and how to get out of the worst of them without causing an intergalactic incident.

I've got a good team, and I'm proud of them. We're quite a motley crew, but so's the rest of the expedition. It might be a bit before my next letter—if I thought things were busy before, now that I've got my own team, we're really picking up the pace. Besides, like I said a few letters back, I like to think you're keeping an eye on me anyway. These letters are more for me, and I get that. It is a nice outlet, though. This definitely won't be the last.

Love, Evan

December 24, 2005

Dear Maddie,

Twas the night before Christmas, at least we're pretty sure. We have twenty-eight hour days here in Atlantis, so calculating what day it is back on Earth is always tricky. We're pretty sure it's Christmas Eve, though, and we're treating it as such. One of the benefits of being in Atlantis is the amazing variety of cultural traditions to experience. Even if we don't have all the traditional ingredients, we make do with what we've got—let's hear it for Atlantean ingenuity. Even the Athosians are teaching us about their winter festival, which happens to take place around the same time of year. I think we confused them when it came to explaining why we decorate trees indoors and eat candy out of socks, but that's par for the course when dealing with aliens. Although, come to think of it, since it's their home galaxy, aren't we the aliens?

Merry Christmas—as always, wishing I could spend it with you.

Love, Evan

January 4, 2006

Dear Maddie,

MG5-6557 is definitely going down on the list of Planets Team Lorne is Never Visiting Again. That's all I have to say about that.

What is it with alien planets and weird sex rituals?

Love, Evan

February 28, 2006

Dear Maddie,

Another letter for you, as I sent the video message I recorded to my nephews. I figured they'd actually appreciate it, and maybe my sister will be that much less likely to kill me for dropping off the face of the planet if and when I ever do get home. But, as you probably know by now, the Wraith are incoming, and it doesn't look good. Our resident brianiacs are scrambling around, doing everything they can, and Sumner's got us into a full-force training schedule. Everyone's gonna fight for this city, until the life is literally sucked out of us. No matter what, we can't let Atlantis fall, because it's the gateway to Earth, and our galaxy's got enough problems without becoming a multi-course buffet for these bastards.

Must run, now, Teyla wants to warn some friends of hers that the Wraith are inbound and I've agreed to help. If only we had someone to do that for us.

Love, Evan

March 23, 2006

Dear Maddie,

Oh, my God. We did it. We survived. We have a shield. We're alive.

Sleep now. More later.

Love, Evan

April 13, 2006

Dear Maddie,

It's been a year since my first letter, and I still don't believe all that's happened in that time. Wow. We're still out there, exploring, and we're going to keep doing it. I'm writing this letter in a blessedly quiet moment, as I've been left to mind the store while most of the senior staff is on Earth, in meetings with the SGC. Sumner offered to let me go, but you know I've never liked government BS. Let him deal with it. I'll take my vacation eventually, go home, play with the nephews, and avoid as many meetings as possible. Besides, how could I turn down the opportunity to have a month-long vacation from John Sheppard? What scares me is, I almost—almost—miss the guy. Keep it to yourself, though—I've got a reputation to maintain.

Ford's getting his own team—my little lieutenant is all grown up. Now to find a replacement for him on mine. But all in good time. We'll find someone, I'm sure. We always do. The senior staff is due back in two weeks, and our missions will resume then. In the meantime, I'm taking a nap. After all, around this place, you never know when you'll get another chance. In Atlantis, if it's not one thing, it's another. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

...Okay, maybe that nice beach-planet paradise world we ran across a few missions back, but, really, can you blame me?

More later, I'm sure.

Love, Evan

~-~

[Poll #1175863]

Comments

[tarlanx]

Loved seeing the events of the Mensa AU through Lorne's eyes :-)

[paradise-city.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry it took me so long to leave feedback, but it's finals weeks and I've been swamped.

That being said, I loved this! Lorne was great here -- he was recognizable in all the ways that mattered and the differences added such a nice touch. I love the backstory with Maddie and the way writing the letters provided him with comfort. That really tells a lot about the relationship between the two of them without saying anything at all, which was brilliant.

I loved the way he developed a grudging respect for John and the way he dealt with everything in a very casual, off-handedly funny manner was great. And the military details with Ford and Sumner were fantastic -- I loved the way you flipped those around from canon.

This was so great! Thank you so much -- I really enjoyed reading this! :)

[chanel-5.livejournal.com]

Great story! I love stories that tell the story through someone else's eyes. Also I liked the lines at the beginning about the crew being to much trouble to keep. Too true.